Dear Failure as a student,
I am writing to inform you of my availability to participate in mutual failure on this day, the 16th of May, 2010. As a failed student myself, my skills include the following:
~An inability to wake up before 4pm
~The ability to stare blankly at the computer screen for up to 8 hours at a time with minimal movement
~The ability to “multitask” in the form of doing dishes, moving piles of laundry again and again within a 6inch space
~The ability moving from my computer chair to my bed and back at least 7 times with no real purpose, all while thinking very hard about the work I should be doing.
Moreover, I think my unique ability to form sentences with words semi related to a topic in combination with words I learned while reading the dictionary in middle school (whose definitions I’m only semi familiar with) will prove particularly useful when writing about topics for which you may feel a certain level of disdain. My very recent experience, approximately 10 minutes ago, spilling coffee all over my skirt and attempting to dry it with a hair dryer while still wearing it and without so much as using a rang to wipe it, is just another example of why I believe I am uniquely qualified for the job.

Thank you for your consideration,
person wondering if she should have sucked the coffee off her skirt before blow drying it in order to preserve the caffeine.