Dear Ms. Cheetokisses,

I am thrilled to hear of your interest. In response to your questions I’d like to add the following regarding my work philosophy:I was primarily trained in the school of “useless exercises created to crush your soul, numb your brain and send you into a bout of depression induced binge eating and napping”. My training, as such, includes the ability to cry while typing, justify a “30 minute nap” after thinking very hard about my desperate desire to quit, use alcohol, tobacco and savory treats as motivation to write 3 to 4 sentences at a time (including sentences such as “Moreover, this paper is bullshit and I resent having to write it”). I have gained the ability to write up to 25 pages of words that make little sense, are soley superficial, with which I do not agree or even understand, and turn it in with little regard to judgment by others (though I promote tearful self loathing after). This philisophical underpinning to my work points to my belief that truth, intellectual capacity and innovation, preparation, and mutual respect are in fact the downfall of academic success and should have no influence on output.

My facilitates are quite high tech. Should you hire me you would have access to such motivational materials as: the use of 30 rock quotes to remind us that all gods children are evil, the frequent singing of “soft kitty” (both solo and in a round), the use of a full database of quotes, youtube videos, and cartoons to indicate the level of desperation you are suffering, and most importantly a helper tortoise who will provide you with pictures of ennui, will poo on demand, and attempt to eat a shoe for your amusement.

My work ethic is strong. I will frequently take breaks without informing you that include falling asleep for 30-60 minutes even though its night, Frequent exclamations of poo emergencies, and the more than occasional whining about my own pathetic life in a box. I will willingly describe the smell of coffee coming off my dirty skirt that should have been washed anyway but now has a coffee stain that I dried with a hair dryer a few minutes ago. I will express my jealousy over your access to cake and openly discuss the snot balls I’m collecting. I will consistently be here to provide you with the distraction your ADD requires and am so devoted to the project that should the need arise I will allow you to discuss my boobs and ass.

I hope you find these responses sufficient.
thank you for your lack of attention
Just_me